Thursday, May 16, 2013

God Himself is the Greatest Blessing

I just finished my BSF Genesis study. I came in at the end of the year so I only went 3 weeks. But I love how God works. He put BSF on my heart and got me there just so He could answer a prayer.

My desire for another baby has been long-suffering. I didn't even want God to tell me if it was His will for us to have another baby because my emotions bias me…we asked God to tell Tim. But He knows better. He told me during an unexpected BSF lecture last week.

The message wasn't anything dramatically obvious, but you KNOW when the Holy Spirit is talking to you. Sometimes He is unmistakeable in His leading. So there aren't any huge and powerful words to describe His message to me, except these: God Himself is the greatest blessing we can hope for. But it was His presence at that moment that was powerful...and I knew. I knew what He was telling me.

And I was heartbroken.

My desire for another baby must have been rooted in selfishness and validation. I do have a desire to teach my children about Christ and see them choose Him and walk in His ways, but I don't need to have another baby to do that. My desire for another baby was partly about my feeling needed, wanted, special. I wanted another baby to validate me as a person, as a mother. But I already have that! God wants me, and because of Him I am special! I don't need it from another imperfect human being who can't live up to that expectation.

So my heart was broken when I learned of God's answer to my prayer. I couldn't even talk about it to Tim, or anyone (even my mom) that first day. But I did tell Tim the next day because he needed to know what God had said. He was also waiting for an answer. For about a week I was in tears when I was reminded of it or thought about it at all.

But yesterday was the week mark and I feel empowered and encouraged. I am still sad that my time is over and God did not see fit for me to have another child. But only when I focus on that am I discouraged and defeated. When I am able to focus on God Himself being my greatest blessing, I am encouraged! And excited!

What do you have in store for me, Lord? Help me bask in the glory and blessing of Your presence. And Your presence alone. Don't let me get distracted by the thought that you have something else coming for me. Maybe it's just a lesson in enjoying Your presence. And I know if this is your plan, it's the best and most fulfilling for me.

1 comment:

  1. Oh! boy that is so hard and I know full well what it is like to want a child and never seem to get one. It made me feel so depressed and angry at God, I wanted to prove to God that I could have a baby and look after a child and bring them up so differently then how I was raised I would love my child and care and just be there for it. For years I sunk deeper into depression. I prayed so much about it and one day God told me that He wanted me to be happy with Larry's 3 children and if Larry and I had a child of our own that the children would feel like we didn't care or love them and He had other plans for us. God has used Larry and I in so many kids lives we became mentors to them. I later years later found out I wouldn't have been able to conceive anyways but glad told me and then I felt peace from this day forward. I was devastated as well. So even though you know God loves you the way you are I know and can feel your pain as you write. I am praying for you both and praying the pain turns into peace and God shows you what he wants for you both.
    Love you girl. Sending you a big hug.