Today is a hard day.
Although I started my day feeling defeated, I am not defeated. I am encouraged and hopeful. Through the words my husband spoke to me this morning and verses God brought to mind, and then a blog post that encouraged me, I know God is with me and encouraging me through a hard time. Thank you Lord Jesus for your comfort and guidance!!
Yesterday I did something that was really hard to do but something the Lord lead me to. After doing it I continued to pray for God's guidance and for His will to be done. Then, out of nowhere, a rush of unexpected feelings came over me. I was ashamed, scared, embarrassed, unsure, insecure. Had I done the right thing? What if they are angry with me? It's too much. I shouldn't have put that on someone else. Could God really use me to reach someone?
Who do you think those thoughts came from?
Certainly not my God! Nothing is impossible for Him! Nothing is beyond His reach. And I was obedient to what I felt the Lord calling me to do.
Those thoughts and feelings that flooded my soul came straight from the devil himself.
I had a hard time shaking those feelings, even though I knew where they came from. The reason Satan is so effective is because he's good at what he does. He's CONVINCING. But I heard the Lord also speaking to me in a still, quiet voice. He reminded me of Acts 20:24 - "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace." The difficult thing I did yesterday was testify - in a very personal and transparent way - to the good news of God's grace to someone who I'm not sure will receive it.
And Isaiah 6:8 - "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me!'" Isaiah 6:8 has been my prayer and my hope since the first day I read it.
God heard my prayer and has answered it on more than one occasion.
This is one of those occasions.
Guess what? Following Jesus isn't about me and my inadequacy; it's about Him.
And that's my focus now.
I followed what Jesus lead me to do, and He has a plan. I will trust Him.
Because we know that the enemy attacks after we've done something for the Kindgom I knew last night that I would need to be on guard today. I knew that even though I went to bed last night feeling better that today might be a battle for me. I knew Satan would try to discourage me somehow. And he did.
A couple of things happened this morning that totally got me feeling sorry for myself. And the pity party began. Poor me. Poor me. Poor me.
I went to my room to lay down (poor me, I need to lay down and feel sorry for myself) and of course the Holy Spirit prompted Tim to ask me if something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him because honestly I was embarrassed by my selfish feelings. But I told him anyway. I told him I was in a tug-of-war. I was feeling all these things I knew were from the enemy and I knew I should be on guard because of the difficult thing I did the day before. But my amazing God was on my other shoulder encouraging me through my husband who encouraged me by telling me he had been in a tug-of-war the day before. He had chosen to put on a worship song (Build Your Kingdom Here) to get positive thinking on his side, to pull harder on the rope, so he could win his tug-of-war. He encouraged me to do the same, whatever that might look like for me.
God has since filled me with hope and a desire to not sit in self-pity. I don't want to live like that. I want my life to reflect Christ. I want to be trustworthy with His Kingdom work and I want to be available and willing whenever He needs me. Lord, help me do this! FILL ME to overflowing and help me walk this walk.
Then I read that great blog post I mentioned in an earlier post. The following is exactly what I needed to hear today:
"Why shouldn’t we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God’s purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says – “Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.” If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart."
My heart isn't exactly "broken" but it's hurt. I want the Lord to help me understand how to navigate HIS way through my brokenness and hurt. I know that these trials, or heartbreaks, bring me closer to Him when I surrender to Him and believe that He has a purpose for ALL trials. I will have victory. Healing will come.
Are you trusting Him today with your heartbreak?